A New Kind of Crazy
by Miss AlyB
Summary: "Did I lock the door? Did I wash my hands? Did I lock the door? Did I wash my hands?" With all these obsessive thoughts in her head, she never had room to believe in love. What happens when an overweight, emotionally damaged boy with beautiful green eyes walks into the life of a girl with extreme obsessive compulsive disorder? Read to find out! Read, love, REVIEW!
1. Chapter 1

did i lock the door to the house

did i lock the door to the car

did i turn off the coffee machine – oh wait i don't have one – i've always wanted one – if i did have one would i remember to turn it off

did i turn off my hair curler – do i have a hair curler – if i did i would definitely, definitely, definitely remember to turn it off – what could happen if i didn't – it could burn a hole in my counter – it could start a fire in my house – my house would burn down and all of my important documents would be lost – i could be in the house when the fire started – oh my god i could die in a fire – i could die from disease – did i wash my hands

did i wash my hands

did i wash my hands – i could get germs on my hands – germs would turn into a disease and i could die – yes, die in a fire, die from disease – isn't it all the same thing – death is death is death

did i bring my shopping list with me

can everyone see that i'm crazy

i bet they can

they can see that i'm crazy

they can see that i'm talking to myself

they can see my thoughts

the government can see my thoughts

they have the technology – i saw it on the nightly news

i also saw a story about a burglar who breaks into women's houses and does unspeakable things to them then robs them – did i lock my house

did i lock my car

did i – CRASH

"Oh, I'm so sorry miss. Can I help you up?" Suddenly I was looking up into the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen. Green Eyes shifted uncomfortably.

how long had i been staring at him – i bet he thinks i'm crazy – he thinks i'm crazy because i am – everyone else thinks i'm crazy – i bet he thinks i'm crazy – oh, he's just like everyone else – thinking i'm crazy – they're all out to get me – just like the germs – and the fire – and the burglar

"Miss? May I help you?"

"Oh! Yes, please. Sorry. I'm … scattered today."

He chuckled. "Hello Scattered Today. I'm Edward. It's nice to meet you."

I laughed. "Oh no, it's actually Bella. Hi. Oh wait. Did I already say 'hi?' I probably did. So … hi … again. God, I'm such an idiot. Did I say that out loud? Am I still talking?"

He full on lost it. I thought he was going to fall over – he was laughing so hard. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be laughing at the customer."

I cocked my head to the side. "'Customer?' You work here? At the grocery store?"

"Yeah. You didn't notice what I'm wearing?" He asked gesturing to his work uniform.

of course i should have noticed it

i should have noticed a lot of things – maybe i would have if his eyes weren't so beautiful – beauty is only skin deep – what if i met him on the street and was enticed by his eyes

what if i met him and he hurt me

what if he hurts me now – just because we're not on the street doesn't mean that he can't – never let your guard down – my father used to tell me that – he was the chief of police back home – chief of police – i bet he's seen a lot of crime – crime that could happen to me if i let my guard down – oh wait – is he talking to me?

"You don't have to gawk at me. I know that I'm fat. You don't have to stare," Green Eyes snapped.

"Wait. What?" I asked confused.

"You were staring at me. It's okay. People do it all the time. I'm overweight. I get it. You don't have to rub it in, okay?!" He turned to walk away.

"I have OCD!" I shouted after him.

stupid! why did i say that – oh yeah i let my guard down – i couldn't help it – he looked so sad – i just wanted to talk to him – i just wanted him to understand

Green Eyes froze and slowly turned around. "Okay?" He didn't seem to know what else to say.

"I wasn't staring at your weight. Honestly? I never even noticed your weight. That was literally the farthest thing from my mind. My mind gets these thoughts – these obsessions. Huh, I guess that's why they call it _obsessive _compulsive disorder. Sorry. Again. I know I'm speaking really fast. It's just something I do when I get really into it. Sorry. Stop me anytime. Please. If you don't, I'll just go on and on forever and never stop and I'll talk about the most random things just now I was thinking about –"

"Okay okay okay. I get it. You're the first person in the world who didn't notice my weight," he murmured dejectedly.

Bella gave him the once over. He was probably around three hundred pounds, but he still seemed really cute. And those eyes! They could make a snowman melt.

He chuckled at me again. Please don't let me have said that out loud.

"I can make a snowman melt, huh?"

"Oh no. I did say that out loud. Again, no filter. Sorry."

"No problem Bella. So … I have a question," Green Eyes asked shyly. "If I asked you out, would you say yes?"

I hesitated. "I don't know. You seem like a really nice guy but –"

His whole demeanor changed. "And that's all it comes down to, isn't it?" He asked coldly. "I'm a nice guy but you just want to be friends. You have a boyfriend. You don't want to get into anything serious. You're getting over an ex. Yeah, I've heard it all." He turned to walk away again.

"Would you stop it?!" I asked exasperatedly. "Would you let me finish a sentence? Despite current evidence, I'm sure you really are a nice guy. It's because you're a nice guy that you don't need to deal with me and my crazy."

"I don't think you're crazy," he said softly.

"Well then you're the only one. If you're sure … then sure! I'd love to go on a date with you." My first date, I added mentally.

"Okay then!" He said excitedly. "I'd love to take you! Tomorrow at six? Here's my number. Where should I pick you up?"

"Not at my house!" I said quickly. "Sorry. I saw it on the nightly news. Here's my number too. I'll just meet you somewhere. That way you have an escape route if you realize you in fact can't handle my crazy. Besides, you should always have an escape route. I saw it on the nightly news. Escape routes can save you. They can –"

"I'll see you tomorrow at six," he again finished for me.

_What did I get myself into?_


	2. Chapter 2

it's raining – rain is a bad omen – a bad omen – The Omen – that's a horror movie – i bet it rained during the movie – i wouldn't know i never saw it – well i saw a preview for it – what if it was a true story – i bet it could be – life is kind of like a horror story just without all the famous people – if life were a horror story i bet that i would be the first to die – my life is a horror story

oh why did i agree to this – it's only going to end badly – like that movie – well to be fair i don't know if it actually did end badly because i never saw the movie but it has to have ended badly i mean it is a horror movie after all – what am i saying, of course the date won't end badly – oh no, yes it will – no it won't – yes it will

no

yes

no

yes

no

yes

no

yes it will

no it won't

oh great – i'm arguing with _myself _

this is it – i've finally gone off the deep end – i'm certifiably crazy – but wait – isn't there a saying that if you think you're crazy then you're not – i don't know – i should really know – i am an English major after all – oh god, i'm going to flunk out of college – now don't say that – why shouldn't i – i don't know the quote about being crazy – which i really should – because i am – crazy that is

was that the doorbell

oh thank god, he's not here yet – it's two minutes till – is it still too late to cancel – of course it's too late – if you wanted to cancel you should have thought about doing it beforehand – you thought about everything _else_ in the world – gosh, it is late, isn't it – why isn't he here yet – it's one minute until six – oh wait there it goes – is he standing me up – i bet he is – guys do that to girls all the time – they lie and are late – well so far he's doing both – maybe he realized how crazy this is – how crazy it is to go out with a crazy – well i never really established if i was crazy yet – never did remember that quote

now _that _was definitely definitely definitely the doorbell

oh no

oh

oh

oh

_oh_

what do i do now

well answer the freaking doorbell – but what if it wasn't really him – what if it's an intruder – why would an intruder ring the doorbell – i don't know – to announce his presence and my future demise – no intruder in their right mind would ring the doorbell first and then intrude – well what intruder is in their right mind – i'm not in my right mind – my mind has never been right – my mind is a scary place – just like a horror movie – a horror movie about an intruder – an intruder that announces his presence – like the slutty girls in horror movies that call out hello in a dark basement – as if the murderer is going to say hello back to them – but then again my intruder did ring the doorbell – it's not an intruder – it's probably Green Eyes – but what if it is an intruder and i become like those slutty girls that open the door – those girls get what they deserve – i mean what do they think will happen if they walk into the dark basement or forest all alone in their underwear – i would never be that stupid – but i am if i open the door – but if i don't what if it is Green Eyes and he thinks i'm not home because i don't answer the door – what if he leaves

answer the damn door

yes

no

yes

no

yes

no

"Yes?"

"Hey Bella. It's me, Edward," he calls out from the other side of the door.

"You're ten minutes late," I reply, cautiously opening the door and mentally slapping myself at the same time. Normal people would say hello first, but when have I ever been normal?

He laughs, "Actually I was only a minute late. You just took forever answering the door."

"Oh right I was…" arguing with myself "… preoccupied," I finished lamely.

"Ummm, oh here! I-I brought you flowers," Edward said shyly.

"Roses. My favorite. They're the easiest flowers to clean," I informed him.

"To … clean?"

"Yes. The petals are so close to each other that they're the easiest to wash. You have to wash the flowers you know. What if there's germs on them? Germs can kill you. I know. I saw it on the nightly news."

"Oh," he said nervously. "So do you need to, ermm, _want_ to clean them before we go to dinner? Because I did make a reservation, so if you have to wash them, then you should probably do it now."

"Oh no. That's okay. We can just leave them here on the porch. I'll disinfect the porch and flowers when I get back," I said.

He glanced down at the porch. "Okay? Well great then! I'm really glad you decided to go out with me, and that you decided to let me pick you up at your house. It feels more like a real date."

"Yeah, well, I decided to try to let go of the crazy for a while."

"Bella, you seem fine to me," he assured me. "So do you want to go?"

"Yeah let me just lock the door," I said.

lock the door once

lock the door twice

lock the door

lock the door

lock the door

lock the door

"Okay, let's go. I'm ready."

_But was I really?_


	3. Chapter 3

Just take a deep breath and tell her. I don't want her to get offended. I certainly don't want to offend the one girl who has taken a genuine interest in me since Tanya. No, I can't think about _her_. Why would I need to think about that bitch and what she did to me? I don't. Tell her. Oh great, now I sound kind of like Bella. Tell her!

"Okay. I have something to tell you."

"Yes?" she asked warily.

"Okay here goes." After clearing my throat about a hundred times, I finally worked up the nerve … to almost tell her. "See, the thing is … before I tell, I just want you to know that I like you." Her beautiful, deep, brown eyes softened. "It's because I like you that I did what I did. Okay so after we met for the first time, I kind of sort of looked up OCD online. Please don't be angry with me!" I rushed on to say.

"And…" she said calmly.

Huh. What a strange new world this is if Bella suddenly becomes the calm one.

"And … you're not mad," I checked.

"Why would I be mad?"

"Because I-you know what? Never mind," I said quickly, thankful she wasn't angry. I did not want to make the one girl who hadn't looked at me with repulsion angry at me.

"So, why'd you look?"

"I wasn't sure what else to do. I had never taken a psychology class and I only know a little about it. I didn't want to have to ask you during our date and ruin the mood. Even though that's kind of what I'm doing anyways."

"No. No. You're not. You're doing just fine. It's nice having someone care enough. And I don't think that you're ruining the mood. But then again, I'm not exactly the right person to ask about it. This is kind of sort of my first date," Bella mumbled embarrassed.

"Wow. Really?" I was shocked. "How is that possible? You've seen you, right? You're gorgeous."

Bella blushed. "I-I don't know. No one has ever been interested before. I came from a small town where everyone knows everyone; therefore, everyone knew me – knew about me."

It had to be a crime. How could no one ever want this beautiful creature? She was stunning. But wow! Her first date? I was her first date?

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" She seemed confused by my apology.

"I'm ruining your first date. I mean it's your first date ever and here I am talking about researching … well you know. I'm going to stop now. We'll move onto new and lighter topics."

She smiled. "So … where are we going?"

"Just this cute little Italian place called Bella Italia. It's not a big chain restaurant, but they do have a few different locations; however, it still feels small and cozy."

"Oh yeah! I've been to one before. There's one near the town I lived in. Is this it?"

"Yep. We're here." As I was opening the passenger door for her, she began laughing. "What's so funny?"

She stared at me for a long moment before responding. "I've never had a man open a door for me before. It's nice. And here I thought chivalry was dead," she said shaking her head slightly.

I smiled at her. Impulsively, I decided to take her hand. Instantly, I began to regret it when I saw her glance down at our entwined hands and flinch slightly. Oh right. The OCD. I can only imagine the thoughts about this so-called killer germs that are going on through her head right now. She may be quiet, but I knew her mind probably wasn't. She may seem calm now, but inside she may be panicking.

"Sorry," I said, quickly dropping her hand as if it was on fire.

Was it just me or did she look disappointed?

"Hi! Welcome to Bella Italia! Table for two?" An overly perky hostess asked.

"Sure." She led us to a large table in the middle of the restaurant. "Maybe somewhere more private?" I asked, surreptitiously slipping her a ten.

She raised her eyebrow but complied with my request. Soon after she handed us our menus and walked away, a guy in his early twenties came up to us.

"Hi. I'm Mike Newton. Can I get you two something to drink?"

"A coke for me," I replied tensely. I did not like the way he kept looking at Bella. She was my date after all but how I got her is still the question of the century.

"Two cokes," Bella confirmed.

"Coming right up. Anything else I can do for you?" I did not miss the double meaning in Mike's question. Either Bella did or she decided to ignore it.

"No thanks," I snapped. She flinched. "Sorry I was rude," I said to her as he walked away. "I didn't like the way he was looking at you."

She looked confused. "How was he looking at me?"

"Are you serious? He looked like he wanted to … erm … he looks at you like how I look at you," I finished lamely.

She was quiet for a while. "I've never been looked at like that before – by anyone." She glanced down at the table nervously. "I especially like it when _you _look at me like that." She slowly lifted her head up and looked at me.

"I like it too," I whispered. I was afraid that if I spoke too loudly the dream would end and I would find out she was in fact a figment of my imagination.

Turns out I didn't have to worry about breaking the spell. Mike did it for us. He brought us our drinks. Bella glanced away from me again. Damn him.

After we placed our orders, and I sent him another death glare, I tried to bring Bella back out of her shell.

"So tell me about yourself. Where are you from?"

"Forks."

"Like forks, knives, and spoons?" I joked. She smiled half-heartedly. I sighed. "Look, Bella, if you're not having fun then tell me. I can take you home."

"No. No. It's not that – not that at all. It's just …" she hesitated. "It's just I'm worried about telling you too much about myself. I'm worried that if I tell you too much then you'll just take off running. I wouldn't blame you if you did. It's what everyone does. Everyone runs. Everyone leaves." She said sadly.

"I'm not going anywhere," I promised, smiling at her.

She did not look convinced. "What about when you decide to leave? When you realize you can't handle my crazy?"

"I'm not going anywhere." I repeated. "I can handle it."

_But could I really?_

* * *

**So ... what did Tanya do to him? Will he be able to handle it? What will Mike do? Whom do you like better? Bella or Edward?  
**


	4. Chapter 4

"So Forks, huh?" I asked.

She blushed. "Yeah. It's this small little town near Seattle."

"So what made you decide to move all the way from Washington to New Hampshire?"

"I got a full scholarship to Dartmouth. And who can say no when an Ivy League school comes banging down your door?"

"So what's your major? Or have you not picked a major yet?"

"No, I have. Everyone at Dartmouth has to declare a major as a sophomore. I'm majoring in English. I want to stay all the way and get my Doctorate in English so that I can teach it at a university level like the professors I have now. I never really pictured myself at such a fancy school, but I did really well in high school because of … well because of my OCD. For once, my obsessions were able to work in my favor. And since no one wanted to talk to the weird girl, I had no friends to occupy my time and distract me from my studies," she said sadly.

"Anyway, my counselor suggested that I look into the really competitive schools and ... here I am. When I got there, I was already the odd one out since I didn't enter the college with a definite plan – no courses I had to take, no major I wanted, no plan for my future. But I loved my introductory literature professor and I've always been really good at literature and writing. I don't know why. Maybe, because my mind is always racing and obsessing over things most people don't, I'm able to think of the readings in a different and unique way. I met with an adviser at the college and she suggested teaching English and maybe even there at Dartmouth. And I don't know, something about the idea just seemed right. I can't explain it. It's like when I've been cleaning for hours scrubbing at that one spot that just refuses, refuses, _refuses_ to come out and I finally, finally, finally get it out. It feels like a breath of fresh air – like I can finally, finally, finally breathe properly again."

She paused and looked down at her hands worriedly. "Sorry. I told you I ramble sometimes," she murmured quietly.

"It's okay." I reassured her. "I like your rambling. It's cute."

She smiled. "Anyway," she said to her hands, "when I talked to my lit professor, she said that she thought the adviser's idea was wonderful. Ever since then, I've been talking to the English professors at Dartmouth. Sometimes they have little projects they want me to help them on, or they'll let me watch them work on lesson plans, or they'll talk to me about their experience as professors. It's interesting. I think the only reason they give me special treatment is that they know I'm … different. I think they pity me and want to help. You know kind of like how you want to help a lost puppy.

"Which is sweet in theory but presents problems in execution – lost puppies aren't the cleanest things. They are riddled with dirt. With dirt and with disease. You never can tell if they had the proper shots. If they hadn't, then you could get its germs. You could get germs and die. Die from the germs. Die from disease. Die from –" She cut herself off.

"Sorry," she whispered. "I told you I get carried away. I get these thoughts - these obsessions - and I just can't stop myself even though I really, really, really want to. It's just when I get these kind of thoughts into my head, it's like this horrible, horrible, horrible itch in my brain and nothing, nothing, nothing can make it go away. It's ... oh thank God! Food!"

As our server gave us our food, he gave Bella and me a long, lingering stare. Needless to say, I didn't like it – or him for that matter.

Bella gasped.

"What?" I asked worriedly.

"I have to wash my hands!" She shrieked as Bella all but knocked over her chair in her desperate attempt to get to the bathroom before the germs got her.

When she _finally _returned, I could tell that something was obviously bothering her.

Do I ask? Do I even want to know? Oh well, here goes nothing…

"What's wrong Bella?" I asked warily.

"The nerve of some people!" She shrieked.

Okay ... _now_ my interest was piqued. "What happened?"

"That-that _worm_ Mike Newton asked me out!" She grimaced.

I felt my stomach drop out from under me. "D-Did you say yes?"

She looked perplexed. "No..." she said slowly, as if I didn't understand English. "Why in the world would I say yes? I'm here on a _date_ with _you_ for Pete's sake!" She exclaimed.

I sighed heavily. "Let me guess: He thought we were related."

She stared at me, eerily silent.

"Because, well, look at you! And look at me. Of course people never automatically assume that someone like you would _willingly_ go out with someone like me." I stated sadly.

She just stared at me

Still as a statue

Saying absolutely

Nothing

.

.

.

"B-Bella?"

"Well that's stupid," she finally said.

I laughed humorlessly. "Well that's life." I retorted.

She stared at me again.

"Why?"

"W-Why what?" I asked.

"Why does it have to be like that? If anything people should assume that _you're_ the one who wouldn't date someone like me."

I raised my eyebrows. "Why the hell wouldn't anyone want to date you?"

"Because I'm kind of sort of crazy," she pointed out.

"No you're not," I argued quickly. "Sure, your way of thinking is a little different. But really, 'in some ways it's just an amplified version of what a lot of women think when they first meet someone who's really attractive.'"**

She laughed. "Oh, you think you're really attractive, huh? Awfully confident, aren't we?" She teased.

I smirked. "You were the one who said that my eyes could make a snowman melt," I reminded her.

She blushed. I flashed her a smile.

"Stop doing that!" She said exasperatedly.

"What?" I asked, genuinely confused.

"Dazzling me." She admitted.

"I dazzle you?"

She looked at me. "Yes." She looked away again.

"Hey, stop that," I said gently. "Stop looking away from me. I love looking into your eyes. People say that the eyes are the window to the soul. And I love yours. I can read your every emotion in your eyes. Besides," I said casually, "they're really quite beautiful ... you're really quite beautiful," I murmured.

She blushed, looked at me, then blushed again. At least she didn't look away this time. I could look at her forever.

_But would she let me?_

* * *

****NOTE: Okay, so some may be wondering why that phrase is in separate quotations. It's because those exact words were mentioned in a review by **_**Stefanie Bean **_[Check her out by the way] **and I really liked the way she described it. I, myself, never really thought of her "internal monologue[s]" that way and I wanted to incorporate it into the story. **

**Once again: Bella or Edward?**


	5. Chapter 5

"I have an announcement," I said as I sat down to my family's monthly Sunday dinner.

My sister, Alice, and I live only about an hour away from Mom and Dad. Growing up, my family and I were always very close and talked all the time. In order to keep in touch, Mom "forces" us to attend dinner with her at least once a month. Lately family dinners feel rushed and urgent. Maybe it's because Alice is moving. Again. Her husband, Jasper, is in the military so they're never in one place for too long. Alice said it's a good thing since her neighbors can only handle her never-ending supply of energy for short periods of time.

Mom and Dad sat at both ends of the table. Alice and I always sat next to each other with Emmett and his wife, Rosalie, across from us. While he wasn't blood-related, Emmett was an honorary family member.

When I was a freshmen back in high school, some boys made the mistake of shoving me around in the halls when Emmett walked by. He was already pissed at one of the guys whose name was James because he found out his then-girlfriend, Victoria, had cheated on him with James. So Emmett was already dying to kill him. The fact that James was bullying some fat, unknown kid was good enough for Emmett. He told the guys that if he ever caught them messing with me again then they would be sorry. Of course, this was after he gave James a bloody nose.

Emmett had always been something of a human tank. He's two years older than me and we're the exact opposite of each other. He's loud and out-spoken; I'm quiet and reserved. He's all muscle and athletic; I'm all fat and slow. But for some odd reason, we became the best of friends.

We went to the same high school, the same college. And when he was a junior in college, he moved out of his off-campus, sophisticated apartment in order move back to the crowded, sticky dorms to live with me so I wasn't lonely.

We were college roommates, best friends, and I was his best man at his wedding. I was the first person he told when he met Rosalie. I was the first person he told when he decided to propose. And I was the first person he told when he and Rose were told that she couldn't have children. We've been there for each other through everything and I cannot imagine a better friend than him.

"I-I've met someone," I announced.

There was a brief pause before everyone started talking over each other.

"Okay, okay, O-KAY!" I laughed. "I can only answer one question at a time. Now, Mom: Her name is Bella Swan and she's … AMAZING! She's so sweet and pretty and smart. She's nineteen and goes to, wait for it, Dartmouth. She's there on a full scholarship and wants to get a doctorate in English and teach there at the university."

Okay. I'm not going to lie. It felt good being able to brag about my Bella.

"Alice: We met at the grocery store I work at when she literally ran into me. And no, I don't think she'd want to go shopping."

"She … ran into you?" Alice asked. "How? Wasn't she paying attention? You're not that hard to miss in the awful polyester uniform. I mean, really. How did she miss that walking fashion disaster?"

"Because not everyone notices clothes like you do, Pixie," Emmett teased.

"Bite me," she snapped. "But really Edward, how did she miss you?"

I bit my lip – a nervous habit I think I picked up from watching Bella all night. "She was … distracted."

"And she decided to go out with you? Why? What's wrong with her?" Emmett teased, winking at me playfully.

"Shut up!" I shouted. Everyone just stared at me, shocked.

"Sorry, man. I was only joking."

"I know Emmett. Sorry. It's just a sensitive topic for us," I said awkwardly.

"Sensitive? How so?" My mother asked concerned.

I sighed. "You see … Bella has OCD. But, she's so much more than her disease," I rushed on to say. "She's honest, kind, a little naïve, but she isn't shallow. She can see past my weight. She's just so much _more_ than her problems," I defended.

No one said anything for what seemed like years.

"She has obsessive compulsive _disorder_?" Alice asked quietly.

"The poor dear," my mother said.

Silence

.

.

.

"My ex-girlfriend had that," Jasper said quietly. "Maria was always obsessing over every little thing. She was convinced that there were all these killer germs that were out to get her. She'd have to wash her hands every ten minutes. She had this whole ritual. It would take her ten minutes exactly to finish. A ten minute ritual every ten minutes. Eventually I had to end it. It became too much for me. After I broke up with her, she basically dropped off the face of the Earth and I never heard from her again. I've always wondered what happened to her."

I was shocked. In the three years that I'd known Jasper, this was probably the longest speech I'd ever heard him speak.

"I had a few patients with OCD way back from when I was doing my residency," Dad said. "Listening to their experiences was … an experience all in itself. I don't want to offend you, but are you sure that you're able to handle it? Dealing with someone with a mental disorder can be extremely difficult, let alone being in a romantic relationship with them."

"I'm positive. Look, I know that it isn't going to be easy. But what relationship is? Relationships in general are difficult. I'm willing to put in the work for it because she's amazing. She's the first girl I've met in a long time that treated me like a real person."

"Awww, sounds like little Eddie boy here is in love. Eddie and Bella sittin' in a tree," Emmett began singing.

"Well I think that's great. It's about time you met someone decent – unlike that little whore Tanya," my mother grimaced.

Everyone was silent again.

"Again, I'm really sorry," Rosalie whispered guiltily.

"I don't want to hear it," I snapped.

"Edward…" Emmett warned as he wrapped his arm around his wife protectively.

"Just forget it. I'm over it," I lied.

"So when does your mother get to meet her?" Mom asked.

"I don't know. It's still really early. We've only been on one date. I haven't even asked her to officially be my girlfriend yet." I haven't even kissed her yet, I added mentally.

"Well ask her soon! Your family is dying to meet her," Mom said smiling.

"I'll ask her soon," I promised myself.

_But would she say yes? _

* * *

**Up next: Bella.  
**


	6. Chapter 6

is he going to kiss me

what do i do if he does

what do i do if he doesn't

is this what normal people do at the end of the date – stand here awkwardly, waiting for the other person to make a move – wondering if the other even wants to make a move – does he want to make a move – i want him to - i want him

but does he – of course he doesn't – why would he – i'm too crazy for him – he's too good for me – too incredible for my insanity – too calm for my crazy

"So …" he said awkwardly.

"So," I echoed.

Avoiding his hypnotizing eyes, we stood there in front of my door.

"Ummm, I have a question."

"You seem to have a lot them," I teased. He smiled.

"Would you let me ask the question?"

"You just did," I reminded him. He flashed me another one of his beautiful crooked smiles.

"So … if I kiss you, would you freak out?"

"I-I don't know," I admitted. He looked … disappointed? Hopefully. "But I'd be willing to try."

He smiled. Moving slowly, he gently placed my hand in his.

remember to breathe – don't pass out from lack of oxygen – that would be so embarrassing – the poor guy subjects himself to a date with a crazy person – he tries to kiss her – and what happens – she passes out – wait – what was it i was supposed to do – oh yeah – breathe

in

out

in

out

i'm dying

i was wrong – the fire, the burglar, the germs - they aren't going to be what's going to kill me – i am – i am going to die from lack of oxygen – i can't breathe when i'm around him – oh, he just makes me so nervous – is this what a heart attack feels like – i think i'm having a heart attack – i feel like i'm having a heart attack – it's official – i'm having a heart attack

Never breaking eye contact with me, Edward slowly moves closer to me and places his hands on my waist.

"Is this okay?" He asked.

"Yes," I squeaked.

oh no – he's leaning even closer to me – soon there will be no space in between us – yeah, great job detective – that is kind of the point of kissing – he's getting closer – i can't do this – yes i can – no i can't – i can do this – i can't do this – i can do this

"I can't do this. Sorry." With that said, I fled into the safety of my house.

crap

i really thought i could have done it for once – i really thought that i could be a normal person – i really wanted to be a normal person – i really tried to be a normal person – i just – i just couldn't do it

i didn't want to have to turn away from him – but i had to – i couldn't bear to see him – i couldn't handle watching his beautiful green eyes shine with hope and then dim with disappointment – just like everyone else

i disappoint everyone – oh they try to deny it – but i can see through the lies – i can see it when they hope i won't be bothered by the obsessions – obsessions with the fire, the burglar, the germs – the germs and the dirt

oh god

the dirt

from the flowers

i have to clean the flowers – NOW – they are just sitting out there – collecting dirt – attracting dirt – attracting dirt to my home – into my home

run out to the front porch – grab the flowers – don't touch the front door – don't get dirt on the lock – or the lock won't work – and if they lock doesn't work, people can get into my house - bad people - and bad things will happen - place the flowers in the sink – wash my hands – lock the door once

lock the door twice

lock the door

lock the door

lock the door

lock the door

run to the flowers – the flowers that are infecting my entire house – clean the vase – clean the flowers – clean the sink they were resting in – if i cleaned the sink, then shouldn't i clean the counter near the sink – what if the flowers had touched the counter by accident – what if the counter got infected because it was in the same room with the dirty flowers – according to logic, if the counter got infected from being in the same room with the flowers, then that means the whole room itself is infected – there is no door to my kitchen – it just leads to the small living room and the bedroom – if there's no door, then the whole house could be infected

clean the vase

clean the flowers

clean the sink

the counter

the room

the house

Done!

for now

**_RING RING RIIING!_**

"Hello?"

"Bella?"

"The one and only," I replied.

"Hi. This is Edward. Erm, Edward Cullen that is," he said nervously.

"Yes," I said smiling. "I remember."

"S-Sorry I'm calling so early," he stammered.

"Early? Don't you mean late?" I asked.

"Ummm … no? It's seven in the morning. I just wanted to call before I had to head into work. I'm on an early shift. Wait. Why? What time did you think it was?"

"I-I thought it was still night. Was I really cleaning all night?" I faltered, desperately trying to remember.

"I don't know. _Did_ you stay up all night cleaning?" Edward asked worriedly. I stayed silent. It was better not to let him into the whirlwind that is my mind. "Anyways, Bella, as I was saying before: I wanted to call you before I left for work. I have something I want to ask you. Would you want to –

"Can you –

"I want you to –

"I mean, I want to –

"Ummm … can I come over later tonight around six? I'll bring dinner. We need to, ummm, we need to talk," he said.

I hung up.

_we need to talk_ – i know what that means – it means he decided he can't handle it anymore – he can't handle me anymore – it's too much for him – it's too much for everyone – everyone leaves – eventually

they swear that they love me – they promise to be patient – they swear they can handle it – but they always end up fleeing when my OCD becomes too much – it's always too much

* * *

"Hey Bella."

"Hi," I said breathlessly. He always made me feel out of breath. "Ummm, come in. Sit down," I said as I directed him into my tiny kitchen.

"It's a really nice little house you've got here," he complimented me as he began to sit down.

"NO! NOT THERE!" He froze. "Sorry," I said quietly. "It's just that people don't really sit there. And I did just clean it."

"Oh. Okay. It's okay. I'm cool with standing. I promise," he said as he leaned against my kitchen wall.

I sighed. "Okay so just do it already. Get it over with."

"Do what?"

"Break up with me. I know you are going to do it eventually. Everyone does. I understand. I completely understand. Of course I understand. So don't not do it just because you're worried that I don't understand. Because I do. Understand. I really, really, really do."

"Hey. Would you stop for a second? Now, why on Earth do you think that I want to break up?"

Unable to look at him anymore, I glanced down at my hands. "You said you wanted to talk. Now I know that I don't have much experience – well any experience – but I _do_ know what that means."

Edward scoffed. "You don't know anything."

I flinched. He walked over and carefully grabbed my chin in his hand and raised it up so I could look into his eyes. My own eyes widened.

"Sorry," he whispered as he dropped his hand. "I know you don't like being touched."

"I-I don't mind." He looked skeptical. "At least, not when it's you," I confessed.

"Sorry. But this time for a different reason," he rushed on to say when I opened my mouth to protest.

"I should have been gentler. I just meant that you're wrong. About the reason why I want to talk to you," he clarified.

Confused, I bit my lip.

"I'm not breaking up with you."

"For now," I said.

"What does that mean?" He looked confused too.

Instead of answering, I answered with a question of my own. "What about when you can't handle me anymore and you want to end things?"

"Never," he automatically replied.

"What about when my OCD becomes too much? When it pushes you away?"

"Then I take a step back. But I promise – no, I _swear_ – that I will always come back to you. Always."

Acting on an impulse and shocking us both, I kissed him.

"Okay?" He asked breathlessly.

"O-Okay," I said, just as affected.

"Okay. Now then, what I wanted to talk to you about was meeting my family. I want you to meet them as my … girlfriend. Would that be alright with you?" He asked hesitantly.

Instead of answering him out loud, I decided to kiss him again.

He smiled at me. "I don't do anything during my lunch break. Does my ... girlfriend want to meet up for lunch tomorrow?"

"Yes. Your … girlfriend would love to," I said as I tried out the term for the first time. It just felt right. I can't explain why. And maybe that's the best part.

"My parents are going to be thrilled to meet you."

"I hope so. I really, really, really hope so."

"Bella, trust me. They are going to love you."

_Do you love me?_


	7. Chapter 7

So here I am – waiting for this amazing, understanding woman. She's kind. She's caring. She's the love of my life. I know it's a little too early to be thinking this way, but what does time matter when you've found your person? The one you're meant to be with.

I sat down at a table with my food. I know better than to order something for Bella from a fast food place that has only a 96% health rating. It's 100% or nothing – kind of like us.

Still, I sat down – debating on whether or not I should even bother to try wiping down the table. I bet she'll probably redo it herself when she gets here before she even considers sitting down.

"Well, well, well. What do we have here? A Little Piggy eating his food," a young college-aged guy taunted me.

"Oink, oink!" His friends chimed in.

There were five of them in total. And of course, they all have to be tall and well-built.

Oh please don't let Bella walk in just yet. Obviously I want to see her. I just don't want her to see me. At least, not like this. She thinks of me as this tolerant, sophisticated guy, and I don't want that to change.

"How come the little piggy only got the one meal, James?" one of the guys in the group taunted.

The one named James answered, "Because he ate everything else! Damn! And we were hungry too!"

"We could always eat him," that same group member shrieked. "I bet we'd be well-fed for years!"

"Good one, Laurent!" James shouted. "Oh! I got one! Why did the piggy cross the road?"

"Why, James?" Every one of those guys shouted.

"To get more food!" With that, they all exploded with laughter.

"HEY!" A very angry, very familiar voice interrupted.

_Oh no. Please don't let that be her. __Please__ don't let that be her._

"What do you think you're doing?! Leave him alone!" Bella snapped.

"What's this?" Laurent asked. "Little Piggy needs a girl to stand up for him?"

"And a hot one at that," James said as he flashed my Bella a smile. "Besides, of course he needs someone to stand up for him. He's too fat to get up on his own. Why hello, Beautiful. What's your name, sweetheart?"

Usually I would be terrified that Bella might get taken in by James's good looks; however, he just made a fatal mistake. In an attempt to be charming, James grabbed Bella's hand and kissed it.

Bye, bye James.

Nice try.

She shot me a panicked look and then shot off in the direction of the bathroom. By now, I knew her well enough to know that she'll be in there for a while.

"You and your friends need to leave now," I said while trying to appear brave.

"Oh yeah? And why's that?" James asked condescendingly.

"You're making my girlfriend uncomfortable."

I still can't believe that I get the honor of calling Bella that.

"That hot chick is _your_ girlfriend? How is that even possible? What could she possibly see in someone as fat as you?" James asked disbelievingly.

Honestly, I couldn't answer him because even I didn't know why she was with me. I seriously can't think of a single reason.

"Whatever. She can have you. Let's go guys. I don't want to be somewhere that allows someone as disgusting as him anyways," James conceded. But before he walked away, he "accidently" knocked my food off of the table.

"Oops. Whatever will the piggy eat now?" A guy in the back of the group asked. Everyone laughed. Again. Like always.

"Don't worry about him." James tried to sound reassuring. "Fatties like him could stand to lose some weight."

As he was walking out of the restaurant, he winked at Bella who was on her way back. Looking like an angry kitten, she glared at him. She was my angry kitten. My Bella.

"Ugh! I've said it before, and I'll say it again. The nerve of some people! What makes him think that he can be so horrible to you and then try to flirt with me in the same breath?! OH! I don't think I've ever been so angry!" She screeched as she continued glaring at the door James and his friends just exited.

"And you!" She said, her gaze snapping towards me.

"What about me?" I asked cautiously. I was hesitant. I didn't want her anger be directed at me. Too late.

"You. Did. NOTHING! The whole time those, those … things were mocking you, you just sat there! Why didn't you defend yourself? Tell them to screw off and leave you the hell alone!" She screamed at me.

I'm not going to lie. It _was_ pretty hot to see her all worked over her defense over me. Not that I needed her to defend me. But still.

"Bella please," I begged her.

"Please what?!"

"Please sit down and lower your voice. I don't want any more of a scene than there already was."

She glanced around us, then me, then toward the empty seat across form me. After wiping it down with disinfectant wipes from her purse – I knew she'd want to clean it herself – she finally sat down.

"Do you know what I remember most about elementary school, middle school, high school?" I asked her.

"The horrible cafeteria food?" She guessed.

I chuckled. "Close. It was the teachers. They could always see the bullies. And to their credit, many really did try to help; however, there's only so much people can do without becoming a bully themselves," I informed her sadly.

She glanced down at her hands again.

Suddenly her head shot up and she stared at me. "Hey. Where's your lunch?"

"Oh. It … ummm … it … fell," I finished lamely.

She glanced at the door thoughtfully. "They did it, didn't they?"

I nodded sadly.

"How could they do that? They're grown men for God's sake! Grow up already!" She fumed.

"Bella, bullies don't get better; they just get bigger."

She stood up. "Are you leaving?" I asked her. I certainly wouldn't blame her if she decided to leave.

"No. We are."

"We are?"

"Yes. We are going to go and get you something else to eat. Now get up. I'm buying."

"You don't have to do that, Bella."

"I want to," she countered. "Now let's move Cullen," she said as she winked at me.

When we got to the front of the line, I turned to her.

"Bella? Would you like anything?"

She glanced at their health rating.

"No thanks," she said with a grimace on her face.

I knew it.

As we sat back down at my table, I debated on asking her. I knew I should, but I wasn't sure if I really wanted to know the answer.

"I have to ask you something."

She waited. "Yes?"

"Okay so you know those guys who were just here?"

"Yes," she said angrily. "Why?"

"Well I let it slip that you were my girlfriend." I paused. "One of those guys asked me why. Truthfully, they all wanted to know why." Another pause. "You know, why you were with someone like me."

"What did you say?" She asked quietly.

"I didn't." Pause. "I-I couldn't think of a reason." Never breaking her stare, she bit her lip. "W-Why _are_ you with me?"

"That's a good question. You know something? I don't know either.

"Why am I with someone who's sweet, understanding, tolerant? You're right. I really should be with someone else. I mean, why be with someone who doesn't let my problems _be_ a problem? I should be with someone else. Sure, they may be mean but at least they'll fit into society's stereotypical 'hot' profile. As long as they look good, who cares if they're the worst person in history? So thank you Edward. Thank you for helping me to see the light. Now I know to be on the lookout for someone who is mean, intolerant, but it's fine so long as he's good-looking. Wow. Thank. You." She said with her eyes comically wide and her hands thrown up in the air.

I chuckled. "Okay so now I think the real question is why am _I_ with _you_," I teased.

She leaned forward and kissed me.

Seeing how kind she really was, I knew that there could never be any question as to why I'm with her. I knew then, no matter what, I would always want to be with her.

_But does she want the same? _


	8. Chapter 8

"I'm so nervous," Bella confessed.

"You have no reason to be," I assured her.

"Oh yeah. Meeting the boyfriend's parents. No big deal," she said sarcastically.

"Would it help if I told you my family was a coven of bloodthirsty vampires?"

"No, they still may not like me."

"Oh so your problem is not the bloodthirsty vampire part but whether or not those vampires will approve of you."

"Ummm, yeah."

I rolled my eyes. "You're unbelievable." When I saw she still didn't look convinced, I promised her, "My family will love you."

"Wait! Family?"

"Yeah?" I was confused about whatever imaginary problem she was obsessing over now.

"As in more than just your parents?"

"Oh yeah. Did I forget to mention that?"

"Kind of!" She shrieked.

"Sorry." She glared at me. "Are you mad?" I asked worriedly. I didn't want to tell her tonight was our routine family dinner; however, now I was worried that I had angered her when I was only trying to protect her. She already has enough to worry about without knowing my whole family would be there.

"Do they know?"

"Know?"

"About me?" She said quietly.

I stayed silent. She looked like she wanted to say something, but the front door opened before she could.

"Oh there you kids are!" Esme exclaimed. "What in the world are you two doing just standing there? Come in!"

"Ummm, you may not want to know what those two were doing," Emmett insinuated.

"Emmett!" Mom scolded. "Don't be so crass. They're guests. Or at least, Bella is."

"True. Don't want to scare her off quite yet. Not when there's plenty of time for that later," Emmett joked.

Mom rolled her eyes playfully. "Don't worry Bella. You can just ignore him. Everyone else does."

"Burn!" Emmett shouted.

I rolled my eyes. "That's Emmett. He's been my best friend since high school. He's really more of extended family. That's his wife, Rosalie. And the one over there bouncing up and down in her seat like she's about to explode is Alice. The man next to her is her husband, Jasper."

"And I'm Dr. Cullen – the one Edward forgot to introduce," my dad teased as he emerged from his home office upstairs.

"I didn't forget," I protested. "You simply weren't here."

He smiled. "Hello there. You must be Bella. I'm Carlisle. Edward's father," he said as he extended his hand.

Bella looked at his hand uncertainly. I tried to implore Dad with my eyes to move his hand away. I knew Bella wanted to make a good impression and that she was already shy about her OCD in the first place. I also knew that she could never shake his hand. He seemed to understand because he quickly removed his hand.

"Oh right. Sorry," he trailed off awkwardly.

"So what's for dinner?" I asked, quickly trying to change the subject.

Mom went off on some tangent about dinner as if she never noticed something wrong. I appreciated her effort, but I knew my family well enough to know that her efforts weren't completely successful. Everybody seemed slightly uncomfortable. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Jasper. I have to admit that I don't like the way he is looking at us. It's almost like he's analyzing us.

"Edward dear," Mom said drawing my attention away from him. "Why don't you go in the kitchen and bring out the food? The casserole should be out in a few minutes. You don't mind waiting for it, do you?"

I glanced at Bella who stared back at me like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Oh relax Edward. She'll be fine with us. Won't you Bells?" Emmett asked winking at her.

"Besides Edward, you can't keep her all to yourself," Alice piped up. "You need to learn to share."

I looked at Bella and only Bella. "Only if you're sure," I said, giving her a way to tell me to stay. She nodded nervously.

"Bye Edward," Alice said before I could make sure Bella was really okay. She stood up from her seat and shoved me into the kitchen before flouncing back out towards Bella.

I leaned up against the kitchen counter. I couldn't hear what was going on in the dining room with my family. The only thing I could do was to wait for the timer for the food to go off and hope that Bella was doing okay on her own. As I was waiting for the oven, the kitchen door swung open. Glancing up quickly, I worried that it may be Bella coming in to tell me that this is all too overwhelming for her. To say the least, I was shocked at who actually came in through the door.

"Edward, what are you doing?" Jasper asked.

"I'm waiting for a casserole?" I asked back.

"No I mean what are you _doing_? With Bella," he clarified.

"I'm dating her," I said confused.

"I mean in the future," Jasper specified.

"There is no future without her," I said reflexively.

"Oh come on Edward!" Jasper exclaimed exasperatedly. "Would you just grow up and be real with me?! I know we don't know each other well, but I can't stand by and let you take advantage of her!"

"What the hell are you talking about? I'm not taking advantage of her! I LOVE HER! … I-I love her," I said slightly amazed.

His gaze softened a little.

"So what about the future? I know, I know. 'There's no future without her.' But be realistic Edward! What type of future can you actually have with her?"

"What are you getting at?" I asked cautiously.

"I know you love her. I really do. I understand you. I _was_ you. So really listen to me when I ask you this: What type of future _can_ you have with her? Think about it. You'll _always_ be compromising yourself for her – her and her problems. And that's not fair to you. I'm sure you've realized that being in a real relationship with her is going to be hard. Harder than most relationships typically are. You'll _always_ have to be tolerant and patient with her. You can't slip up. And you'll always be making compromises for her. You'll be compromising yourself for her."

"She has to make compromises for me too," I said unconvincingly.

"What? Because of your weight?"

I nodded hesitantly.

Jasper scoffed. "Oh come off it! Your weight does NOT matter! Not like her and her problems do."

I went to protest, but Jasper cut me off before I could.

"What about kids?" He asked quickly.

"What _about_ kids?"

"Do you want them?"

"Yes," I said, feeling like I was walking into a trap.

"What about Bella?" He countered. "Does she want them? Can she handle them? She can't even handle shaking someone's hand! How will she handle diapers? Throw up? The dirt they get into? Kids are messy, Edward."

"I'll help her. I'll help take care of them," I said defensively.

"While you're already taking care of her? You'll have to become the kids' main caretaker – in addition to taking care of Bella. Children are a lot of work, Edward. They're a handful. They're loud. They're messy. And if there's anything Bella can't handle, it's a mess. She needs to be in control of her life, of her messes. But you can't control another person. Look, I'm not saying to end things right here and now. I just want you to think about these things and if that's the kind of life you want for your kids. Or yourself for that matter."

"Why are you doing this?" I asked quietly.

"I don't want you to get hurt. Nor do I want you to lead Bella on – to promise her things that, in the future, you realize you don't really want. Or things that you won't be able to handle."

"Where is all this coming from?"

"I'm not saying I don't like her," he evaded. "But these are serious things to think about. Regardless of the person we're talking about."

"You couldn't have thought of all this in the few minutes you've known Bella," I pointed out.

"Oh, I know Bella. Or rather, I know a replica of Bella. She and Maria could be the same person. They're so similar. All of these things I asked you to think about? They're all things I have thought about too. They have to be when you're dating someone. Especially someone with a mental disorder. You may think I have no right for saying this and that's fine with me. I just couldn't stay silent, not about something like this. You don't have to do anything right now. Just think about it. That's all I'm asking you."

Before I could say anything else, Jasper returned to the rest of the family. As the door swung shut, I couldn't stop thinking about the points Jasper made.

_What am I going to do?_

* * *

**What do you guys think? Was Jasper out of line or was he justified? As always, read, love, REVIEW!  
**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hello my lovelies. So sorry it's been almost a year since I last updated. I was dealing with some serious writer's block. Now I'm back and I know where I want this story to go. This chapter was the most difficult to write but I think it, Bella in specific, makes some really good points. So pay attention. Drop me a review at the end. Trust me: you're going to want to talk about the ending. With that being said, on with the show! Read, love, REVIEW.  
**

* * *

they're staring at me – of course they are – i'm new – i'm different – different is one word – crazy is another – i bet they think i'm crazy – of course they do – how could they not – the way i reacted makes you think his father was holding a loaded gun

a hand holding a gun and a hand holding hundreds, thousands, millions, billions, trillions of tiny, microscopic, killer germs – what's the difference – there is none – either will kill – like silent killers – lying in wait for me – always there – always waiting – always deadly

oh no

did they say something

did i?

of course not – but then why are they staring – it's like they can hear my thoughts – they can see that i'm crazy – of course they can - i'm all but wearing an "I'm crazy" sandwich board

no – something happened – i'm sure of it – they're staring at me – i know it can't be because they actually can read minds – that would be a whole new level of crazy – that would be _crazy _crazy – not just my kind of crazy – the normal crazy – crazy is the norm around here – when is crazy ever normal – now it is

they're still staring

and staring

and staring

"Bella?"

"I'm so sorry. What did you say, Mrs. Cullen?" I was mortified. I haven't even been in their house for five minutes and I'm already missing conversation and talking to myself. Again.

"That exact same thing," she said smiling.

I cocked my head to the side in confusion. "I beg your pardon?"

"Oh. I just apologized for Jasper's sudden departure. Apparently watching a casserole is a team effort." Despite myself, I laughed.

"So she _can_ smile. Huh. Good to know," Emmett said winking at me.

"Ignore him Bella. Please. He's under the delusional impression that people find him funny," the pixie who pushed Edward out the door said smiling at me too.

they do that a lot – smiling at me that is – it feels like they're walking on eggshells around me – like they're afraid of saying the wrong thing – as if the littlest thing will set me off – well i suppose that that's appropriate – since the littlest thing _will _set me off – germs always have – always will –

actually that's not true – they haven't always bothered me – i don't remember what it was like not be bothered by germs but i know that there had to have been a time when they didn't bother me – i just wish that i could remember

it's been so long that i don't even remember what it was like to not be worried about germs – what it was like not be worried – what it was like not be a freak – what it was like to be normal

but what is normal anyways – isn't normal subjective – who's to say what the true definition of normal is anyways – who gives them the authority – no, the right – to tell me what normal is – to tell me that i'm weird – that there's something wrong with me – because there's not – there's just something wrong with everyone else

oh but isn't that the easy thing to do – blame everyone else – i know that it can't be everyone else's fault – but then does that mean that it's my fault?

what if this isn't anyone's fault – what if this is just who i'm supposed to be – i know that they say it isn't – they say there's something wrong with me – but _they _are the ones who are wrong – there's nothing wrong with me – so what if i'm just more … observant than others – that's not my fault – that does not mean that there is something wrong with me – that does not mean that this is my fault – how could it be my fault – it's not like i did anything

i just want it to end

i just want to be normal

okay now it _is_ my fault

i'm zoning off and not paying attention to what is being said to me – i'm too busy talking to myself – no, _arguing_ with myself – to pay attention

if only people knew just how crazy i was – they'd run for the hills – just like Edward will – oh i know that he says he won't – but that's a lie – he'll run – just like they all do – he claims that he's different – he claims that he won't run like the others – but that's what they all say – it's what they all do – it's just what happens – it's just the way things are

"I said are you feeling okay?" Carslisle asked. He sounded very official.

and that's when i knew – this wasn't just Carslisle speaking – this was Doctor Cullen speaking to his patient – to me – he wasn't merely checking on me – he was analyzing me – they all were – not that i could blame them – i'm sure that i was an interesting subject to study – objectively speaking that is – but here's the thing – they could leave if they wanted to – they could walk away from this – from me – unfortunately i don't have that luxury – i can't just walk away

"I'm fine. Thanks. Just nervous I suppose."

"Nervous? Of what? Don't worry. Emmett just looks like a bear. He won't actually hurt you," Alice teased.

I smiled. "Oh, you know. Meeting the boyfriend's parents. It's just a little nerve-wracking, I guess. I've never done that before, so I wasn't really sure what to expect."

Emmett laughed. "What were you expecting? An interrogation?"

I blushed. "I don't know. Maybe."

Esme sighed. "Look Bella. I like you. I really do. I don't want to offend you, but I need to be honest with you. This is my son we're talking about. I don't want him to get hurt."

"Neither do I," I interjected. "I would never do anything to hurt him."

She smiled tiredly. "Maybe not intentionally. I won't have my son getting hurt again. I've seen him before with his heart broken. As a mother, that's torture seeing your child go through. While I don't believe you're anything like Tanya, I won't have you hurting him, intentionally or not."

I didn't know how to respond to that. Apparently no one else did either.

Alice finally cleared her throat. "What we're trying to get at, Bella, is that we don't want Edward to be wasting his time on a relationship that isn't going anywhere. It's obvious that you two care about each other. We just want to make sure that there's a future here – that this isn't just some 'fun' way for you to occupy your time."

I shook my head. "This is real; I swear it," I whispered. "I want there to be a future. I really do."

"However …?" Carlisle gently prompted.

I bit my lip. "I'm just worried that Edward won't want that."

"And why is that, Bella?" Carlisle asked calmly. This must be how he treats all his patients. Calm and collected.

I chuckled humorlessly. "I'm not naïve. I know that I can be overwhelming. My … problems are a lot to take on. I know, I know. He says he can handle it but I don't believe him. Well, that's not entirely true."

I sighed as I tried to explain something I wasn't even entirely sure of.

"I believe that he believes what he is saying is true. At least he does for the moment. He says that he can handle it that he won't be scared off, but I've heard it all before. He thinks he's gotten a good glimpse of my OCD, but this isn't even the tip of the iceberg. He has no idea how bad it has gotten or how bad it will get. He has no idea what he'll have to go through in order to be with me. He has no idea what he'll have to sacrifice – a normal future with a normal girl, marriage, kids, a calm household. He just doesn't get it yet. And I'm terrified of the moment when he will. I want him to wake up and realize all this. But at the same time I don't because I lo–care about him so much and I don't want to lose him."

I paused. "You worry that I'm going to leave Edward, but you have it all wrong. It's not me that's in danger of walking away. It's him."

Everyone was silent.

"Why wouldn't you want kids?" Rosalie asked sharply.

I was taken aback. _That_ was what she got from all that?

"Research has shown that OCD may be genetic. It may also stem from one's environment. If I had a kid, he or she would already have two strikes against him or her. I could pass it down genetically or raise it in a bad environment. After seeing everything my family and friends go through with me, and experiencing it firsthand, I don't know if I could, in good faith, have a kid knowing that the odds of him or her not having OCD are not good."

she doesn't understand – i can see it on her face – she just doesn't get it – how can i blame her – if she doesn't experience it how can she – how can she understand that this isn't just something i can "get over" – but i want her to understand – i want her to like me – she doesn't – they don't – no one seems to like me – no one seems to understand me

"Mental illness isn't something I would wish on anyone," I tried to explain. "It sucks sometimes, okay? No, that's not right. It sucks all the time. I can never go anywhere without it following me around. Sure, I have good days. I'm not denying that. But even on my good days, my OCD is like this dark cloud hovering over me. Taunting me. 'I know you're okay today, but you won't be tomorrow. You may have won the battle, but I'll win the war.' When I'm caught in the vicious cycle of my obsessions, I can't stop. I know some people believe that I can, but trust me when I say this: I can't stop it. Don't you think if I could, I would? I've tried; I just can't do it. But when I do, it feels like I can't breathe. It feels like there's this weight pressing in on me, preventing me from breathing, from escaping. I can feel the germs on me. I can feel them crawling on me and seeping into me. My brain starts to itch. The more I try to ignore it, the worse it gets. Soon I can't think about anything else but just getting the feeling to go away. But it won't. It won't ever go away. So yeah. OCD? Sucks. I don't ever want anyone else to have to feel like this. Especially not my own child. So yeah, I probably won't have kids. But that's not because I don't like them. I do. I just don't want them to end up like me."

The room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Before anyone could say anything, Edward came bursting out of the kitchen.

"We're leaving, Bella." I don't know what happened, but I have never seen him so angry before. "You had no right to say these things," he snapped. Somehow, I could tell he wasn't referring to what his family said to me.

"Edward…" Alice tried to say.

"Do not say another word. How dare you? How dare you?! I bring Bella here to meet you all and have a nice family meal. But here you are, trying to separate us and put your nose where it doesn't belong. This is my relationship, my life. You have no right to interfere!"

"No right?" Jasper asked. "We had to make sure you were being realistic. From what I can tell, you're not. Edward, there's so much more to this relationship than just the fact that you like her. You need to – "

"Oh I know _exactly _what you think I should do. You know what I think you all should do? I think you should be a little more sympathetic here. Don't you realize how much I care about her? Don't you realize how much I care about this relationship? How much I've thought about this? I know exactly where I'm going with my relationship with Bella. And right now, it's out the door. Let's go Bella."

"Wait! Edward you can't leave! You're much too upset. Just sit and calm down first. You can't drive like this," Alice said.

"Stop telling me what I can and cannot do! Let's go Bella!"

"She's right, man," Emmett said. "Just sit down and cool off first."

"No. We're going. Now." With that he slammed out the door, and I had to scramble after him to catch up. I was barely in the car when Edward stomped on the gas and sped out of there.

say something

what do i say

i don't know – something – you need to say something

it's obvious he doesn't want to talk

he needs to talk – you need to talk – both of you need to talk

what if i make it worse

it can't get much worse – he just fought with his family over you – you are morally obligated to talk to him

Damn. The voice in my head was right. I hated when that happened. "Edward?" I asked hesitantly.

He just kept driving.

"Edward?" I asked a little louder.

Still no answer.

"Green Eyes?"

He glanced at me.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

stupid! obviously he doesn't or he would have already said something – **you** sure said some things back there – where did all of that even come from

"Where did what come from?" Edward asked.

"Huh? Oh. I think I accidently said that out loud. I was just …" Arguing with myself.

I think he knew what I was doing. He sighed. "Bella, I just want to say that I'm sorry."

"Sorry? What for?"

"For losing it back there. I said some things that I probably shouldn't have."

"Yeah, you and me both."

"I'm sorry, what?"

I blushed. "Ummm, yeah. I may have said some things I probably shouldn't have to your family. I think I got way too personal." I snorted. "I also don't think your family likes me."

"Who cares? The only thing that matters is that **I **like you."

At the stoplight, he turned in his seat to face me. "Actually that's not true. I don't just 'like' you. Bella, I think I'm in – "

He never got to finish the sentence. Just then, we got slammed into something from behind and our car went flying into the intersection.

WAIT!

NO!

i want to find out what he was going to say – i _need _to find out what he was going to say – i need to tell him that i love him

_Will I live to get the chance?_

_**CRASH!**_

* * *

**AN: Will she?**


	10. Chapter 10

**I'm sorry, okay? I know it had been forever in between the posting of Chapter 8 and 9. I know that. Part of the reason was that I know where I want to take the story, but I had no idea how to get over this hump. And what exactly was the hump? The family dinner with Edward's parents. That was sort of thrown in there as a transition in between the points Jasper made and the crash. While Bella did make some good points about understanding that WILL come up again (so pay attention), I'm sorry if her conversation with the family was disappointing. **

**You want to know what else is disappointing? Edward is not all that he seems. That's right, you heard me. There are definitely some skeletons in his closet and a HUGE secret he's hiding from Bella. What is it? You'll just have to wait until next time.**

* * *

"Sir? Can you hear me? My name is Ben. I'm an EMT. You were in an accident. Can you tell me your name?"

"B-Bella," I managed to stutter out.

Was it just me or did the EMT look slightly amused? "Your name is Bella, sir?"

"N-No. Edward. M-My girlfriend. Bella. Is she okay? Where is she?"

"Sir, please calm down. You were in an accident. You hit your head on the driver's side window and were unconscious when we arrived."

Oh, right. The accident. We were sitting at the light. I was trying to tell Bella something important when we got slammed into from behind.

"Please," I begged. When it came to Bella, I was not above begging. "There was another passenger in the car with me. Is she okay? Tell me!"

"Sir, please calm down. The other passenger is en route to the hospital."

"The hospital?!" I freaked. "Why is she going there?"

"The accident was very severe. As were her injuries. Now, please lay back down on the stretcher. We need to take you to the hospital as well."

It was then I realized where I was. I was lying on an emergency stretcher in front of an empty ambulance. Looking to the left of me, I could see my car. It was totaled. The rear bumper got smashed so hard that it looked as if it was made without a trunk. That wasn't even the worst part. The driver behind us must have been super speeding. Once we got rear-ended, the car went flying into the intersection. The door to the passenger's side – Bella's side – got bent in half. That side of the car looked like it crumbled in on itself.

_Is Bella okay?_

The paramedics must have felt her injuries were more critical since she was already on her way to the hospital and I was still here waiting to leave.

I took in the rest of the scene. The front engine of the car that collided with us was ruined. Until now, I have never seen the inside of a car's engine before. And I never want to see something like that ever again.

But I do want to see Bella.

I need to see Bella.

I also need to see the person responsible for this wreckage.

Where is he?

Flashing blue lights in my peripheral view caught my attention and stopped my frantic search. I could see two cop cars on the shoulder of the road leading up to the intersection. Sure enough, there he was. He looked my age, maybe a few years older. He had a large white gauze bandage covering his forehead and a few bloodstains on the collar of his shirt. I was unable to see if there were any more injuries because he was sitting in the back of the police car farthest away from me. My vision was still slightly fuzzy, so it was too difficult to make out any more details from so far away.

_Is that it?_

Sure, it was a horrible thought, but I'm not afraid to admit it. I wanted the person responsible for this mess to be suffering too. Bella could be ... nope. I won't think about her like that. The power of positive thinking and all that. Isn't it only fair if he's in pain too? If you hurt me, then you damn well better be hurting too.

My heart rate and breathing started to pick up, along with my anger. Obviously it was noticeable. "Sir?" Ben asked. "Try to calm down. Tell me: What hurts?"

"M-My head." And my heart if Bella does not survive.

"You most likely have a concussion. I'm going to take a look in your eyes, and then we'll be off." Ben must have found whatever he was looking for in my eyes because he nodded to himself. "I'm going to move the stretcher into the vehicle. You may feel a slight jolt. I'm sorry. Soon we'll get you to the hospital and all fixed up with some pain meds."

"Bella," I muttered dazed.

He smiled at me. "And then you'll get to see your girl."

"Bella…"

* * *

"Bella?"

I could feel a soft hand stroking my check. Thinking it was her, I leaned into it.

"No, dear. It's Mom." I jerked back; she frowned. "How are you feeling?" She seemed genuinely concerned.

"Where's Bella?"

"How are you feeling?"

"You're avoiding the question."

"So are you," a voice said from the doorway.

"Doctor Cullen," I said acknowledging the Voice.

"Hello son. Seriously, how are you feeling? Does anything hurt? Are you feeling nauseated?"

"No Dad. I'm okay. My head is still a little sore though."

He chuckled ruefully. "I would expect so. Unfortunately, you sustained a concussion and passed out again once the EMTs got you into the ambulance. Before I mention Bella, as your doctor, I need to advise you on how to take care of yourself."

"Dad… I've been taking care of myself for twenty two years now."

He smiled. "Even so, you've never had a concussion before, thank God. You're going to want to take it easy these next couple of weeks. That means no unnecessary strenuous activity. Make sure you rest more often than usual, even if you are feeling alright. Your body is still healing and overdoing it may set back your recovery."

"Got it. Where's Bella?"

"She's here." He said grimly.

"Is she…" I couldn't bring myself to say the words.

"She's okay." I breathed a sigh of relief. "She too sustained a concussion when the car crashed into you two. Because it hit her side of car, her right arm got caught in between the car seat and the metal of the door. It's fractured in four places. Her doctors set the bone and put a cast on to hold it in place. At the time of the collision, she was thrown to the left and cracked a rib on the gear shift. We've got her on a morphine drip right now to help manage the pain."

"But she's going to be okay, right?"

"Physically yes," he replied.

"But…?"

"Edward, sweetheart, there's something I need to tell you," Esme said gently. "I'm very sorry about what happened to you two and about what happened at the dinner. I feel responsible for this whole mess. If I hadn't upset you so much that you felt forced to flee the family, then you wouldn't have gotten into that crash. I swear I never meant to hurt you or Bella."

"I know Mom. I shouldn't have overreacted the way I did."

"We shouldn't have cornered you in the kitchen with Jasper."

"Yeah. That was probably a bad idea." We laughed with little enthusiasm. "So what happened to Bella? I know there's something more you want to say."

"Why would you say that?"

I snorted. "Because I'm your son and I know when you have something on your mind."

"Alright, fine. There was a problem when she woke up," Esme sighed. "When she woke up, she … freaked out. She..."

"She was disoriented and unsure of where she was," Carlisle picked up where his wife left off. "A nurse came in and tried to explain what was going on. Once she realized she was in a hospital, she had a panic attack. She was hyperventilating and scratching at her arms, screaming that she was trying to get the germs off. Her doctor said she told him she felt as if her skin was crawling. He had to give her a sedative when he was unable to calm her down. Because she had such a severe episode where she hurt herself, intentional or not, her doctor believes it would be in her best interest if she stayed here in the hospital to undergo a twenty-four hour psych evaluation to ensure that she's not a danger to herself."

"Well, of course she's not a danger to herself! That's ridiculous! How could you allow that to happen?" I snapped. Realistically, and from personal experience, I knew that a psych evaluation was standard for something like that. It would be unlikely Carlisle could have forestalled it.

"Edward, I know that you are upset right now, and you are going to be a little more emotional now because of your concussion. I know you don't want to admit it, but she has a problem. Maybe this is going to be a good thing for her. This may be a chance for her to get some help. You of all people should know how important and beneficial it is to get professional help before it's too late."

Oh yes, he was referring to my own little problems. While Bella has her mental demons, I have my own haunting me, taunting me, tempting me every day. That was what I wanted to tell her in the car, but I started to chicken out. Bella has this image of me as her knight in shining armor. It doesn't matter to her that my suit of armor is a size XXXL. She can look past all of that shallow, superficial nonsense. The only thing that's important to her is the real me. If only she knew the real me.

I've been projecting this false self to her in order to keep her. I don't want to shatter her idea of me. Never in all my life has anyone outside my family looked at me without revulsion. In general, people take one look at me and automatically dismiss me as lazy or unworthy because of my weight. Bella is able to look past that. Maybe she's right and it's because of her OCD. It forces her to think of things in a different way. Sure she doesn't notice that I'm horribly obese, but she does see the microscopic germs on my hands.

Obviously I realize that she has a real problem. I want her to get better; I really do. That's the honest-to-God truth. I just worry about what she's going to do when she learns the truth about me, when she learns the truth about why I decided to go out with her in the first place.

_What is she going to do when she learns the real reason I went through with our first date?_

* * *

**Yay! Bella is going to live! Well at least for now. You never know. Stephanie Meyer may technically own these characters, but the plot is mine to do with what I wish. So you'll just have to sit back and hope she'll make it to the end. It looks like Eddie boy here may have had some impure motives when it comes to our little Bells. After years of being targeted and bullied, his moral judgement may not be as sound and would hope it is. As we saw with his thoughts about the driver, it's like the age-old philosophy: You hurt me, I'll hurt you back ... Right?  
**


	11. Chapter 11

Five days.

That's how long my Bella has been in the hospital.

They released me after only a day of observation. But they kept her. They were supposed to release her after three days. It's already been five. She's still not out yet. Something must have happened during her psych eval. That's the only reason why she would still be there.

She can't have visitors yet. I need to see her. I need to tell her the truth. I need her to still want me.

"Edward? May I come in?"

My father walked in with a solemn look on his face.

I was immediately alert. "What's wrong? Did something happen to Bella?"

"No."

"Well then why do you have that look on your face? That's your bad news face." I knew that look well enough. He wore it whenever he had to give a patient bad news about their treatment or be the bearer of the worst kind of news a family member could hear.

He sighed. "I found out why they've been keeping her in the hospital. I can't tell you everything, but her father is there at the hospital. He says he wants to meet you. He also gave me permission to share some things with you. There's another reason besides the physical injuries Bella sustained that caused her hospital stay to be extended. Something apparently came up in her psychological evaluation. Now, I do not know exactly what it was, but the hospital psychiatrist recommended she stay under supervision. He is also going to try putting Bella on some antidepressants to try to relieve some of her distress."

"He's going to put her on some anti_depressants_? But she's not depressed," I protested.

"Yes, they are antidepressants. But more specifically they are Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors. SSRIs are commonly used to treat OCD. Her doctors just want to keep her under observation while she is adjusting to the meds. From what I gathered from her father, she tried taking medication before, but it did not end well. Do not worry, son. Her father reports that she is responding very well to this new combination of pills."

"She's doing okay, then?" I asked relieved. Carlisle nodded. "So when does she get released?"

"Observation actually ended yesterday. She is currently able to have visitors and will be released tomorrow."

"Wait. She's been able to have visitors this whole time, and you're just now telling me? Why?!"

"I have my reasons. And no. None of them involved trying to keep you two apart. Just in case that is what you were thinking."

"So what are your reasons?"

"Well, they are not exactly my reasons. It was at Bella's request that you not see her."

"Bella's?" I was shocked. And hurt. And worried.

Why would Bella possibly want me to stay away?

Could she have already suspected?

No. That's impossible.

"It was Bella and her father's decision," he clarified.

"Are you sure it wasn't just her father's decision?" I asked somewhat bitterly.

Carlisle sighed. "It was at her father's suggestion for Bella to go on medication."

"I knew it!"

"However," he cautioned, "it was Bella who wanted you to stay away."

"W-What?" I couldn't help but feel betrayed.

"She wanted to protect you," he said simply.

"Protect me how?"

"Bella is over eighteen. Unless her father can prove to the courts that sheis incapable of making decisions for herself and is a danger to herself and others, he can only make suggestions. He did not force her into treatment and neither did the hospital. Believe me if you want to, but no one is forcing her to turn you away either."

"So why won't she talk to me?" I asked desperately.

"Like I said. She was protecting you."

"From what?!"

"From herself."

"I don't understand."

"As I said, she tried medication before."

I sat up straighter. This was news to me. Before I was so focused on whether or not Bella was okay that it never really sunk in. "Bella never told me that she was on any medications."

"Currently, she is not. From what I gathered, her previous experiences did not end well."

"How so?"

"There are side effects to every drug. In Bella's case, she tried many combinations of various pills. Prescribed by a psychiatrist, of course. Her father told me that they made her extremely nauseated; she was either exhausted and rarely left her bed, or she was unable to sleep and would go many nights without sleeping. She was not the same person when she was taking medication. The medication is supposed to level out her moods and lessen her anxiety. Bella felt that the pills lessened her whole personality. I do not know all the details of what happened. For that, you will need to ask Bella herself. However, I do know of some side effects that patients who are on these meds have been known to report."

I took a deep breath. Even though I wasn't sure if I wanted to know, I knew that I needed to know. "Side effects such as what?"

"These medications are very effective in stabilizing one's moods. In some cases, they are a little too effective. The anxiety is taken away, but so is everything else. The joy. The anger. The sadness. The fear. All the emotions that make you who you are. It can make the patient feel almost … zombie-like, for lack of a better word. Now this is not the case for everyone. And for many, these drugs may have saved their lives."

"What do you mean 'saved their lives?'"

All of a sudden, Carlisle seemed extremely tired. "Mental illness is a chronic and harrowing disease. It should be taken as seriously as any other physical illness. Unfortunately, many people do not realize this. Because these disorders are in the mind, society easily dismisses the true sufferers as merely 'faking it.' They are accused of being overly dramatic or simply seeking attention. They are told to just 'get over it.' The negative stigma surrounding mental disorders is so great that it prevents many from seeking treatment. Feeling lost and alone, they are unable to get the help they need and deteriorate deeper into their illness. Thinking it is the only way to find peace, some even resort to suicide. You of all people should know this."

I sighed quietly. "I never thought of that. Honest. I guess I was just too distracted and distressed by what's happening with Bella. And us. What will happen to us, that is," I clarified.

He nodded knowingly. "You don't know if you want to pursue a relationship with her."

"No. I don't know if **she **will want to pursue a relationship with **me**."

"What do you mean?"

"I still haven't told her. You know, about … me … and my own past. I just don't know how she's going to react. I never really know what to expect with her."

He smiled at me gently. "Why not go find out? Go to her, Edward. You will never know what she wants until you ask. You cannot make decisions for her. Now go. And good luck, my son."

With that, I slowly walked out the door and got into the new rental car I was using. I should be racing to the hospital to see Bella. I know that. I want that. I want her.

_After she learns the truth, will she still want me?_

* * *

**So sorry it's been so long, my lovelies. Life has been a bit much these last few months. Now that it's summer, and I have a new laptop (WHOO HOO!), I promise to be updating much more. Since it's been so long since I last posted, I'm going to give you all a treat: a surprise clue as to what will happen with Bella at the hospital. Want to know? Edward ****finally**** confesses his secret, but before Bella can respond a mysterious visitor appears in the doorway. What is Edward's secret? Who is the visitor? What will he or she mean for our favorite couple? When will I update next? Leave me a review with your thoughts! **


	12. Chapter 12

I stood outside of Bella's hospital room, trying to gather the courage to walk in. Taking a deep breath, I stepped inside. Bella's whole face lit up as soon as she saw me.

"We need to talk," I told her. Her smile faltered.

"About what?"

Now that I was here, I couldn't stop. It all came out in a rush. "You're always telling me about how difficult this would be for me because of your OCD. But there's something you aren't thinking of. You aren't thinking about how hard it will be for you to be in a relationship with me."

She sighed. "I know how difficult it will be for me. I know how difficult it'll be to touch you, kiss you, do … _other things_ with you."

I think we both blushed a little at that. "No. Bella. You don't get it. It won't be difficult for you because of your problems. Wait. Let me rephrase that," I hastened to add when I saw she was about to protest. "I just meant that your problems aren't the only reason why this relationship will be hard. It'll be difficult not only because of your problems, but …" I took a deep breath. Here we go. "But because of **mine**. And before you say it, no, I don't just mean my weight. Bella, you're not the only one in this room with problems."

She didn't say anything. She just stared at me with those big brown eyes. I took another deep breath. "I've always struggled with my weight. Believe it or not, I think I've actually lost some weight. Being known as 'the fat one' in school sucks. You think OCD sucks? So does constant bullying. Your bully may be in your head, but mine were external. And they **never** stopped. Not once. It felt like it was their life's mission to make mine miserable. I can't even name all of them – there were so many. It doesn't even matter if I could name them. It wouldn't make any difference. It would just be a different name, a different face. But in the end, it would be the same person. I never told you about Tanya, but that's not because I don't trust you. It's because I know that everything will change once you know. Your whole entire perception of me will shatter. Do you still want to know?"

Hesitantly she nodded her head. "But only if you want to tell me," she warned.

"Bella."

She glanced up at the new tone in my voice that I had never used with her before.

"There's something I need to tell you."

"About what?" She asked worriedly.

"About me. And the real reason why I asked you out."

"The-the real reason?" She stammered.

"It hasn't been easy for me, Bella. Remember when we were at the run down little fast food place and we ran into that James guy and his friends?" She nodded hesitantly. "You think that was bad?" I scoffed. "That's only the tip of the iceberg."

There was a long pause as I attempted to explain the years of pain and torture I suffered.

"What happened?" She asked quietly.

"I fell in love with you," I said. Her worried eyes softened at my admission. "But this isn't the first time I've been in love. The only difference between now and then was that this time it's real."

"What happened with … with the other girl?"

"Her name was Tanya. She was a friend of Rosalie's. They were old friends. They went to the same high school, the same college. She was the reason I dropped out of college."

"You dropped out of college?" She asked. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. It's just that I didn't even know you went to college in the first place."

"I almost didn't. I got admitted to community college through the skin of my teeth. It's not that I'm stupid or anything. Just in case that's what's you're thinking, Little Miss Dartmouth." She flinched. "I'm sorry. That was unfair of me. But now you can finally see this side of me. The ugly side of me. Life has been cruel to me. When cruelty is all you know, sometimes it's difficult not to be cruel too. Bullying is harsh, but what Tanya did … it was miles past harsh, past cruel. It borders on evil.

"Things didn't start out that way. I want to tell you about it. I swear. But this was the worst time of my life. If I'm going to tell you everything, I need you not to talk. At least, not until I'm done. I've never told anyone the true extent of what happened. Rosalie, my family, they only know the general idea. They have no idea how deep the betrayal actually runs.

"You remember that guy James? I know him. And no, I don't mean that I know his type. I know him. Personally. He's the reason why I almost flunked out of high school. Well, he's one of the reasons. I've known James since high school. He's also the reason why Emmett and I became friends. It was all this shit back from high school. I know what some may think. It was only high school, just move on and leave it behind. Maybe I should. But I can't. It may have been back from high school, but it still feels so real.

"James used to torture me. I don't know why. I guess it's because of my weight. Because he didn't like the way I looked, but I don't know if that's all it was. The way he treated me … it was as if I had personally offended him. He never let up. It was never ending. The first time I met him it was from an insult. He had turned everyone in our school against me before I even knew his name.

"One day, he was feeling particularly brutal. James and his little buddies cornered me in an empty hallway by the lockers after school. I don't know what they were planning on doing to me that day. Maybe they were just trying to scare me, or maybe they were trying to kill me. I don't know. Thankfully I never have to know. That's when the wrecking ball formerly known as Emmett entered my life. He saved me from them. He was already pissed at James for stealing his then girlfriend, Victoria. He was itching for any excuse to fight him. A scared, cowering little fat boy was all he needed. Emmett and I have been friends ever since.

"He's also the reason why I met Tanya in the first place. It was my freshmen year. We wound up going to the same college. Emmett may have been a brilliant football player, but between you and me, I think he took one too many hits to the head. Emmett is the nicest, most loyal person you will ever meet, but he's not exactly Einstein. Emmett's a year older than me, so he was already settled into college life." I laughed quietly.

"Do you know what never appears in those bright, shiny college brochures? That college is almost exactly like high school. Different people, same personalities. Emmett fit perfectly into college, but I didn't. I couldn't. They wouldn't let me. The guys at the school took one look at me and rejected me. It was a different school but the same old story.

"I had gotten so used to this in high school, that it made little difference that this was happening to me again in college. I had resigned myself to living like this again. I had found a way to cope. Granted it wasn't the best way, but I'll come back to that.

"As I said, I thought that I would have to live like that again. I thought that there would never be an end to it. Then … I was offered a fresh start.

"Emmett had just started dating Rosalie. She was friends with Tanya. Rosalie was the one who introduced us. She suggested going on a double date. At first I was hesitant. I had never been on a date before, and I didn't know this girl. I should have listened to my first instinct. It was easy with her. I never had anyone outside of my family, besides Emmett that is, be nice to me if they didn't have to be. Tanya was the first. I guess I should have realized the truth about her. There were signs. Besides that first double date, she never wanted to be seen out in public with me. It always seemed like she was far away, even when she was sitting next to me. Even knowing that, I still never saw it coming. Or, I never wanted to see it. If I hadn't been so stupid, maybe I would have seen it in time. Hell, maybe I did deserve it because I was just so stupid.

"I told you that Tanya was the first. This isn't something I want to talk about with my current girlfriend, but it's too important not to. When I say that she was the first, I mean that she was my first … everything. It wasn't until after we ... you know … that I found out who she really was.

"Tanya had two other sisters, Irina and Kate. The three of them were … weird. Extreme, I guess, is a better word. You see, they liked to play games. And I don't mean board games like Monopoly. They didn't play with little cardboard cutouts. They liked to play with people's lives. At first it was just little things. They were all very manipulative. They were very good at getting what they wanted. They were all rich, popular, beautiful. They could talk anyone into doing anything. When that got boring, they liked to place bets. Yeah," I sighed as I saw the dreading look in Bella's eyes.

"Tanya was also a year older. She had already settled into life at community college. Too bad it bored her. Then I came along. I meant nothing to her. I was simply a game. A challenge. I wasn't supposed to find out. Things were strained between us afterwards. She didn't admit it, but I could tell that things were different between us. She had always been a little distant, but it was as if we weren't even on the same planet as each other, let alone the same room. One day, I went over to her house unannounced. I thought that maybe it was my fault somehow. That maybe she wasn't ready. That maybe she regretted it. I went over to her house to apologize for possibly pressuring her, but instead I walked in on her and some other guy in bed together. It was then that I found out what Tanya had done. The bet that she had made."

I stopped and just stared at the ground.

"Her sisters bet her how long it would take for her to … fuck the fat guy. That's why she stopped talking to me afterwards. She didn't need me anymore. She had already fulfilled her part of the bet. I don't know the time frame they gave her. I don't know what the stakes were, if they wagered money or anything. I guess it doesn't matter if they had. The point of the bet wasn't the prize. It was the fact that they had the power to make the bet in first place. Power is the reason why they did everything. They had all the power and liked to flaunt it over those who didn't. Here comes a sad, lonely, little fat boy who was desperate for someone to love him. I made it so easy for them.

"I never really thought about what it's like to have power over someone. Then I met you. And everything changed once again.

"But I should back up a little. You need to know more about me. Being bullied my whole life put me at a greater risk, but it was Tanya who pushed me over the edge. I was depressed and alone and on a college campus. Emmett dragged me to a frat party to try to get my mind off things. I didn't tell him the details of what happened. That would be way too embarrassing. All he knew was that I caught her cheating. Sad isn't it? That a cheating girlfriend is the less embarrassing option? But it was. Anyway, at that party, I found a new way to cope, but it was the worst way possible.

"I started drinking. And I didn't stop. It got really bad. I finally flunked out of college. Granted, it was only community college, but that seemed to make me feel even stupider. Too bad I was too drunk to care. When I got kicked out of the dorms, I was forced to move back in with my parents. They had no idea my drinking had gotten so bad. Living under the same roof as them? It got more and more difficult to hide it. Soon they found all the many, _many_ beer and wine bottles discarded in my room.

"At first they were speechless. Then they were angry, sad, disappointed, and everything else in between. They finally got over their shock and forced me into treatment. That frat party wasn't my first drink. Back in high school, I used to drink a little to take the edge off, but everything went downhill after Tanya.

"Bella, I want you to know that I'm better now. I've moved out of my parents' house and into a small little apartment. I got that job at the grocery store. I know it's not much, but it pays the bills. It lets me be financially independent from my parents. I'm on the path to becoming a manager. I know it's not exactly the most prestigious job available. But after everything else I've been through … it still feels like a major victory. The most important thing is that I haven't had a drink since I left my parents' house. I've been sober for almost two years now. My twenty first birthday this year was pretty difficult. Most people go out to a bar to celebrate being legal and ordering a drink. Obviously, I couldn't. I had to settle on club soda. It didn't bother me though. On the contrary, it made me feel powerful in my own way. For once in my life, I felt powerful.

"I especially felt powerful when I met you. I've seen you before. Did you know that? Every Friday at three o'clock." I chuckled quietly. "You and your routines. When I saw you, I thought that you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen before. As soon as you walked in, you would go immediately to the cleaning wipes to wipe down the shopping cart. Then you go walking off down the isles with this dazed look in your eyes.

"I never planned on talking to you before that day. I always thought that you were out of my league. On that matter, I still do. But when I saw you that day … I don't know. Like I said, you had this dazed look in your eyes. When we crashed into each other, it was as if you didn't even realize you were on the ground. I saw you there, all confused and helpless, looking up at me. It was the first time in my life when I saw someone weaker than myself. It felt … good. To know that for once someone was looking to me for help. At first I thought that was all you would be. I would help you up and then you would be on your way."

"So what changed?" She asked. I was startled. She had been so quiet and I had gotten so wrapped in in my story that I almost forgot she was here.

"I talked to you. You made me laugh. You were everything I wanted but never knew I needed. I didn't mean to fall in love with you. But I am so glad that I did. The way we started does not have to dictate how we end. Bella, I love you. I know it may be too soon to say that, but I don't care. I see this person you are. I see how strong you are. You struggle with your OCD every day, but you never let it beat you. You and I are a lot alike in that respect. In regards to our relationship, we can do whatever you want. If you don't want this, if you don't want me, then I promise I understand. I can be a lot to handle too.

"But if there is any part of you that thinks we can do this, that you can love me back, then please, _please_ don't give up. I love you Bella. I see a real future with you. Do you see a future with me?"

Bella looked so lost. She opened her mouth to respond, but before she could respond, her hospital door swung open. A silhouette was outlined from the bright light from the hallway.

_Who the hell are you? _

* * *

**I never said that you would find out how the mysterious visitor is in this chapter, now did I? Think you know who he is? Leave me a review with your thoughts! If you guess right, you may get a special surprise from me!  
**


	13. Chapter 13

"Jacob," she breathed.

_Jacob? Who the hell is that?_

"Bella." He smiled. "How are you?"

She snorted. "I've been better. What are you doing here?"

"Charlie called. He told me what happened. But he didn't tell you about **you.**" Jacob turned his attention to me. "Who are you?" He rudely asked.

"Jake. Be nice," Bella warned.

She didn't elaborate on who I was, but at that moment, I didn't care. I was just grateful that she still felt at least a little protective of me.

With no one adding anything else, the silence began to feel uncomfortable. In order to minimize the awkwardness, I said, "I'm Edward."

"Edward …?" Jacob suggestively trailed off.

"Edward Cullen," I answered even though I knew he wanted more than just my last name. He wanted to know who I was in regards to Bella. After my little confession, I didn't want to put any words in Bella's mouth by calling myself her boyfriend. Just in case that was no longer what she wanted.

Jacob frowned, clearly unsatisfied with my response. This left me to wonder once again exactly who **he** was. Bella hadn't said anything to me about a brother. But I didn't want to consider any other alternatives. If he wasn't a brother, then he seemed way too interested in me to be just a friend. In order to maintain my own sanity, I couldn't think about the possibility that he was something more. Not with everything so up in the air with Bella.

"So is everyone else here too?" Bella asked.

_Everyone?_

I hated to admit it, but I was a little surprised that Bella had enough friends from back in Forks to be able to be able to call them an 'everyone.' She had made it seem as if she had no friends, period.

I knew how awful it sounded, but maybe I was just a tad bit resentful – maybe even jealous too – that she had been able to make friends. I didn't want to admit it, but I liked the idea of being her only friend – the only one she could turn to, the only one for her. But I wasn't about to tell that to her. No, confession time is over for now.

"But they send their love," Jacob finished. I had been so wrapped up in my own disgusting thoughts that I hadn't heard what he said about whether or not _everyone _was able to make it. From what it sounded like, this Jacob person was the only one who came. Good. I only had to deal with one other person vying for Bella's attention.

Just as I was about to ask who everyone was, a nurse came in the room to announce that visiting hours were over for the day. Damn that Jacob! If he hadn't shown up, there would have been enough time for Bella to tell me how she feels. About me. About us.

"Can I have a few more moments? It's been so long since I last saw her," Jacob pleaded.

"If he gets a few more moments, then I want a few more too. I'm Doctor Cullen's son," I said, hoping his name might have some sort of pull.

"Well I'm an old family friend," Jacob snapped. At least he didn't say an old boyfriend.

"Just go. Please," Bella begged from the bed. That wasn't right. Bella shouldn't have to beg for anything. I should be the one begging. Not her. She certainly shouldn't have to beg for me to leave.

"Yeah, okay. I'll be back to talk to you tomorrow," I said pointedly.

"So will I," Jacob immediately added.

Bella didn't respond. She just stared out the window. I tried to tell what she was thinking one last time as the nurse ushered us out the door. I couldn't tell if she was happy or disappointed that I was leaving.

"So you're the boyfriend, right?" Jacob asked once Bella was out of earshot.

"Ummm yeah. I guess."

"You guess?"

"We had a talk. Bella and I, that is. Before you got here. There were some things I had to tell her."

"What did you have to tell her that was so important that it couldn't wait until she was out of the damn hospital?"

"That's between me and Bella." It was hard enough telling Bella all that. There was no way in hell I was telling Jacob.

He glared at me. I tried to glare right back, but I wasn't sure if it had the same effect. As much as I wanted to appear all calm and confident, I couldn't. Especially not under these circumstances. I was never the most confident person to begin with. Add in the fact that my conversation with Bella had really unsettled me, and I probably looked pathetic, not intimating, to him. Plus, Jacob seemed like he would be difficult to intimidate. He was well over six-foot-tall with huge muscles. He was my worst nightmare.

"Look Edwin –"

"Edward."

"Like I care. As I was saying, I don't care what you said to her. I only care if you hurt her. Bella is … very special. I've known her since we were kids. I've seen most everything she's been through and can imagine the rest. I love her like a sister. If you hurt her, you answer to me. And I promise you, it won't be pretty. Got it?"

I couldn't answer. All I could hear was Jacob saying 'I love her.'

"You love her?"

He narrowed his eyes. "Of course."

"Are you sure you love her only like a sister?"

He shrugged. "Like I said. You hurt her, you answer to me."

After we got to the entrance to the hospital, we parted ways, and I was left alone with my thoughts. Bella had asked me to leave. I could only hope that she would ask me to come back.

* * *

**Sorry it's been so long since I last updated. I've had the worst combination of writer's block and no free time. Congrats to the readers who correctly guessed the visitor's identity. I've had several people say how messed up they thought Edward's confession was. I guess we'll just have to wait to see if it was too messed up for Bella to forgive. What do you think? Should she forgive him? Leave me a review with your thoughts! **


	14. Chapter 14

I struggled to open my eyes.

Everything felt like a struggle.

They say I've been responding well to the medication. They say I'm improving.

It doesn't feel like an improvement. It feels like a step back.

My body feels heavy and my thoughts sluggish.

I don't feel like me anymore.

They say that's a good thing. The me I was before was incapable of functioning properly. Therefore, I couldn't continue the way I had been.

Now I'm on my way to being 'fixed' and returned to 'normal.'

Too bad I don't like the new normal.

But I do like Edward. If only I had told him so. Everything just happened so fast. After his confession, I didn't know what to think. Before I could get my drug-addled brain to focus, Jacob showed up and screwed everything up. Hopefully I could focus when Edward came back.

Too bad he wasn't coming today. Doc says that he's readjusting my meds. Again.

I definitely did not miss this.

At least I felt like more of a person now. I no longer felt like a walking zombie. My anxiety about being in a germ factory, or what others might call a hospital, was no longer as bad as when I first got here.

Maybe it won't be as bad this time. Maybe.

Too bad my anxiety about Edward hadn't lessened. If anything, it got worse with my newly acquired ability to think like a _normal_ person. I'm being told how to think, how to feel about germs, my fears, my rituals. If only someone could tell me how to feel about Edward and what he revealed.

"Bella? Are you ready to go?"

"S-Sure Dad," I said somewhat startled. I wasn't expecting my release from the germ – the hospital – to be so quick.

"Let's go then, kiddo. I got all your stuff together. Jake may be joining us later. I wanted you to have some time to yourself before you started having guests come over. Edward called me. He really wants to see you, Bells. Now, I don't know what happened with the two of you, and I don't want to know. But he sounds awfully sorry. He's also coming over soon to talk to you."

Even if I could speak, I wouldn't know where to begin. I was shocked into stunned silence. Rarely had I ever heard my father say so much at once.

It wouldn't matter even if I did know how to respond. Speaking seemed to be too much of an effort. At least I managed to dredge up the energy to walk from the car to the house. Maybe these new pills were working after all?

I didn't have enough energy left to worry about tracking in germs from the hospital into my nice, clean house. All I could do was sit and wait for Edward. Since I don't have the energy, thankfully I didn't have to spend the time thinking about what I was going to do when he got here.

I already know exactly what I am going to say.

* * *

**I'm sorry that this chapter is so short. I received many people's compliant that Bella had been unnecessarily unresponsive and cruel to Edward. I just wanted to explain why that was because my goal is not for you to hate her. I don't even want you to hate Jacob. At least not until you hear his side of the story. Believe me, he has a story to tell too. Hopefully this clears up why Bella was acting almost dismissive of Edward. Don't forget, Bella had undergone a long psych eval and intensive medications. We'll find out how she reacts to Edward's confession in the next chapter! Let me know what you think she'll do! **


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